The Shark, The Guppy, and the Jobber

by Hunter Kendrick

People who know me realize that I do not mince words. I say what I am thinking at the moment I think it. For example, I once remarked to my coach in practice that, “So many of the world’s problems could be solved with a handgun and a well-placed café waiter,” (a viewpoint I would not recommend espousing in a round). Sometimes my candidness is good, other times people hate me. But, at least I am honest and upfront.  Now and then, the people I express my opinions to are somewhat surprised at the words that flow forth from my mouth. One such incident happened at the 2007 NFL National Tournament.

The conversation occurred sometime between the octafinals rounds and the semifinals postings for US Extemp. The conversation involved me and a good friend of mine, Jack Grennan, from North Alleghany Senior High School in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Jack had asked me a very simple question. My answer, however, wasn’t as simple.

“Do you think that (name has been omitted for obvious reasons) will do well?”

“Oh yeah, he’s a shark.”

“A shark?”

“Um-hum.”

“Ok, ok… What about (see above parentheses)?”

“Hell no.”

“Why?”

“He’s a guppy.”

“A guppy…”

Jack had not known it at the time, but he had actually stumbled upon one of these event-related theories that I tend to develop. This particular theory, the “Shark, Guppy, Jobber Theory,” had been in the works since December of 2006 (the December before this conversation took place). It all started at the “Hilltopper Invitational” held annually at Western Kentucky University. That year, the extemp section of the tournament was a bit bare. There were Kentucky state contenders (like myself and my teammates), but that was the extent of the talent pool. Of course, there was one notable exception.

By now, when I drop the name “David Kumbroch,” I probably don’t need to add an explanation after it. But, just in case, I will. In my opinion, David was one of the best to ever compete in our event. His analysis was always spot on, and his delivery was impressive, to say the least. To his credit are wins at the Wake Forest “Early Bird,” the Barkley Forum, and (fanfare, please) NFL Nationals. The 06-07 season could be referred to as the “David Kumbroch Experience.”  He literally went to every tournament he could, like the Hilltopper.

During the tournament prelims, one of the Kentucky competitors asked me who the “new guy” was in the prep room. I informed them that the new guy was the next Hilltopper tournament champion in extemp. And then, I jokingly added that, “He’s probably looking at the schematic saying, ‘Num, num, guppies for my belly, num, num.'”

Of course, the guy looked at me like I was nuts. But, sure enough, in finals that day David beat my cumulative score of 5 with his 4, garnering the tournament championship. As I stood in that ballroom (where awards are held) and congratulated my friend, I began to realize something. I realized that, in my opinion, all extempers can be classified into one of three areas: sharks, guppies, and jobbers (surprise!).

So, let us begin. These are pretty self-explanatory, so I won’t beat you about the head with the obvious. When we think of sharks, we think of godless killing machines, or, at least, I do. Sharks patrol the oceans looking for things smaller and weaker than themselves to prey on, like guppies (yes, I realize that guppies are usually freshwater creatures and that sharks inhabit saltwater – but this is my article, and if I want to change how things work in the natural world I will). And some sharks, like the Great White, literally have insatiable appetites. Extemp sharks (which David was the archetype of) fall along the same lines. They are “bigger” than other competitors – they have more talent, are more practiced, and are more confident. No matter whom he faces where or when, a shark walks into a round expecting to win.

The guppies are the exact opposites of the sharks. Guppies are “smaller” and “weaker” than the sharks (the form I was in back then). This could entail many things. Perhaps the guppies just don’t have as much natural talent as the sharks. Or, as is most often the case, talent isn’t the problem – the guppies are merely outworked by the sharks. The guppies have marginal success; sometimes they even survive shark attacks (in one of the prelim rounds that tournament I actually got the “1” over David). But, because of their nature, guppies are never consistently “safe.” This means that, unlike the sharks, the guppies do not go into every round thinking they will win (unless they are a very foolish guppy, which makes them even more of a guppy, I might add).

And then there are the jobbers. If you’re trying to figure out a maritime reference, stop – there isn’t one. This is a term that I learned from Logan Scisco (the founder of the Ex Files), which he borrowed from professional wrestling. In the ring, a jobber is the loser of the match. It comes from the phrase “doing one’s job” (as the matches are fixed). After all, not everyone can win. Jobbers are the competitors who, for whatever reason, get beat. They get beat so bad and so regularly that you’d think they were getting paid to do it, that they were doing their job. There are two types of jobbers, and one form of jobber is more respectable than its counterpart. The respectable jobber is the competitor who wants to do well and is interested in the event, but the talent is just not there. There is nothing wrong with that – competitive speech just is not everyone’s strength. I love football, but that does not mean I could throw a game-winning touchdown in the National Football League, just like a love of speech does not mean that one has the ability to be in the International Extemp finals of the National Forensics League.

So, when looking back to today’s question. “Do you think that _______ will do well?” the answer is, it depends on if they are a shark, a guppy, or a jobber (and on luck of the draw, of course). A brief caveat, do not waste your time in the prep room trying to decided who fits what role. These observations are merely an interesting topic of discussion. However, focusing on the abilities of other performers and not on your own speech is a surefire way to bowing out from a tournament sooner than you would prefer.